Diaspora Talk: Why African women are NOT dating Black American men?

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I have lived in the US for over 10 years. I went to high school and University here. For the most part, I feel culturally American. I grew up in a predominantly black neighbourhood in Prince George’s County and went to an all black  high school. Now I live in Harlem, the mecca of Black American life.

But….

In all this time, I cant say that I’ve ever dated a Black American or a White American man. I’ve spoken to several of my African girlfriends and I was surprised to find that most like myself have also never dated Black American men. They either date African men or White men.

I recently met a Black man in the Bronx and we’ve been exchanging text messages. He is cute, funny, and witty. However, he has very little knowledge of Africa. I’ve always said that the reason why i didnt date Black American men was because of the cultural differences between Africans and Black Americans. My culture is very important to me and I would ideally want to have that in common with my partner.

But is it really about culture?

Or am i like others who experienced some kind of teasing about being African in high school simply retaliating by holding out on our Black American brothers?

When I am approached by a Black American man, i generally don’t even take their interest in me seriously. Its almost like i have so fully rejected the idea of being with a Black American man that I dont even let the thought flourish in my mind. I assume that we dont have anything in common.

I have dug deep and found that my assumptions are based on (1) past negative experiences with ignorant Black Americans both male and female (2) stereotypes of Black Americans formed by what I’ve seen in the media.
The reality is that even though I’ve mixed with and lived next to Black Americans, most of the people I know and socialise with are Africans. And when we meet, we confirm each other’s stereotypes of Black Americans and so the myths continue.

But now realising that I’ve been hiding behind the fallacy of a supposed African man superiority, I am ready to let go of the myths.

Other than being ‘African’, men from the continent are not necessarily better. While we may have a shared culture, these men also sometimes come with negative socio cultural beliefs. They expect you as as African woman to accept or understand their womanizing.

I find myself asking this: How important is culture in your relationship? As I try to deal with this in my own life I wonder how many of you male and female have dated Black Americans and whether or not you think there is a marked difference.

  • Zuma

    it is culture, and its hard not to come off being haughty saying this, i don’t want to fall into the “bash black american” bandwagon, because i do believe some people just look down on AA,which means that in some facet they look down on me. but yeah when i meet alot of aa guys, certainly not all, they are ignorant about Africa, that in itself is a turn off. they can’t name 2 or 3 countries, why? theres no excuse, I dont expect people to know all about the continent but as a person of african decent shouldnt you try and learn more about the place of origin of ur ancestors. Many people are also not willing to eat a different cuisine or try to learn a little bit another language, im just being honest! it is almost this arrogance, im not saying this applies to everyone, but alot of people, and i have met men like this from all backgrounds, europeans, arabs,caribbeans, etc.

    someone also pointed out to me this, women are kind of absorbed into their husbands culture,t hat is dominant, as you know in many african cultures the child follows the fathers ethnicity. its like that way with others too sometimes. African men don’;t’ have the same pressures on them when dating women of other races ( because theyre men) but African women will be expected to assimilate to her husband’s culture. I think th is may go for american men in general, when i do see african women with other men, they r usually not american

    • Human

      That’s interesting, as an AA man I found it amazing how many Africans in Africa know little about the pre-colonial history of their own countries or anything about other African countries outside of their own region. I love African woman anywhere they could be found….

  • Phillip C. Winfield

    Am (perhaps atypical) African American man, with educated parents who respect the Diaspora, took their 1976 honeymoon in Haiti. Went to a Historically Black College/University (Howard), learned to love and cherish my cousins from across the water. Dated a Liberian lady in NY some years ago (cooking, body, all hotness ;o) ). Brother served in West Africa in Peace Corps, married Senegalese woman.
    Am closely examining another West African sista now… Interested in marriage (eventually). Jesus would have to be the central unifying factor. American-to-American marriages end in divorce all the time. Am not a fan or practitioner of infidelity. Spiritual union, and actively working to make three types of love (agape, eros, philos) trumps all other considerations….
    But it doesn’t hurt that I find her British accent, and “thickness” sexy.

  • luluz

    The stereotypical ones are usually a turn off for me.. I don’t know just don’t find the thug culture cute. It might impress some naive white girls or hoodrats but not me. Even when I meet non stereotypical ones I usually don’t want anything to do with them romantically. I just can’t explain I guess am not generally attracted to them.

  • The New 2014

    African women accept womanizing?? African women are boring real talk

  • Smart

    I think has to do with the fact that both demographics are not attracted to each other culturally and when it comes to marriage plus when you hear what african American women( Not the ghetto ones but educated & successful ones) are going through trying to find partners in their community and their struggles trying to achieve it, many african women want no part of that as a result. I’m not saying non- african American men are perfect but it’s better in the african Community when it comes to good men access because a african woman doesn’t have to worry about when she is educated and successful of not finding men in her community with those qualifications. So african women plus me( Nigerian) that I am friends with prefer black african men in their tribe, some are open to black african men outside their tribe and the ones open to marrying outside their culture majority of time go for white men, particularly European men and I have witnessed Some weddings of that union
    http://youtu.be/uZq_T6n2fVY
    http://youtu.be/oZ52D-gQcgc

    Also the other reasons is that stereotypical characteristics regardless of physical looks prevalent with many( not all) african American men are appealing to some white American, Latina Americans and african American females but not so much with black african women or their parents at all. even the non-stereotypical black American men most african women keep their distance. It’s better to deal with black men they know( african men) then the ones you don’t know and take the negativity and drama that comes with them.

    For me personally I never dated black American men even with me born and raised in America but I’m culturally more Nigerian. I have nothing against black American men but it just wasn’t a option for me and many of the african females(Ethiopian, Nigerian, Ghanaian and etc) I’m friends with. I think that’s why most african/ african American weddings are of african men and african American women( Kerry Washington types) marriages majority of the time but the reverse is less.

  • Human

    I am an African American and have dated and married African woman. I had one girlfriend who was forced to end our relationship because I was an African American. Fellow countrymen coerced her into paying for an African mans airfare to America and marry him. Years later I ran into her and could not believe how the years of abuse she suffered at the hands of this man turned her from one of the most beautiful woman I have ever known into a old battered woman. I regret respecting her people’s demand for her to marry one of their own, because she was too great of a woman to be reduced to that mans foot stool.